Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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