last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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