I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
