A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
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