A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
If I die, sorry about rent.
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