im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
