walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
