guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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