Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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