I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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