i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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