the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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