You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
