Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
