Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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