I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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