I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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