I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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