i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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