it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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