its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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