He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
