Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
