Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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