I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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