Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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