I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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