Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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