My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
