Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
