Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
