whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
