I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
