she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
