I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
