I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I believe in your delicious
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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