but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize