Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
