Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
