she woke up with a sticky ear
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
