haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
