so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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