So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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