I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize
