alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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