So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
