My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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