Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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