We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
