Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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