It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
