Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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