I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
