One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
where does the pee come out of this thing
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
