I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The best revenge is premature balding
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
