Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
