highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
