new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
