You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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