woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
