Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
