apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
