Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
