I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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